I did feel some genuine feelings growing up. All are bad feelings, sadly. Loneliness, sadness, those I suppressed very well. But emotional pain, or pain that comes from a social situation going bad for me, that I felt acutely. I felt guilt, mostly over things I wasn't responsible for, and that was a real feeling. I felt responsibility for others feelings, but my own feelings seemed to just be in the way. And lots of guilt for wanting to feel good feelings. I had learned that feeling good was not for me, and I took that very seriously. Not yet sure why.

Most of the bad feelings would linger for the day, then disappear during the night, and I'd start fresh in the morning. Most days I felt nothing at the end, but maybe once a week I'd be miserable inside, happy outside, and go to bed hoping the pain would go away. I think most of the time it did, but a few times it lingered for weeks. I covered a lot of bad feelings by "thinking," ore pretending, that I felt good feelings.

But I didn't feel love, ever. That one to me was a total counterfeit. I thought it was a lie, a way to get your kids to obey. What love really meant to me was that my parents would give me the hope of affection if I did what they wanted, but that affection never materialized. If I didn't do what they wanted (chores, homework, whatever) then guilt was mine to enjoy, mostly for the shame I brought my parents by being disobedient.

I'd always be afraid of the Bishop's office. Talk about guilt for sins of omission. And the real guilt for having feelings and wanting them to go away.

Oh, I look back at my school photos, in kindergarten I looked happy. In first grade I looked worried.